Road to Nowhere
by marvin the corkscrew
Summary: It's James' last chance for a relationship with Lily but she's got far to many problems going on around her body and inside her head to even think about putting up with Potter.
1. Prologue

**I do not, and most likely never will own any aspect of Harry Potter.**

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September 4th year

"I wonder if Evans' summer was good... only so we can give her a true marauder welcoming, right? Turn half her hair gold?"

Insert knowing looks between Remus and Sirius (Peter is oblivious) here.

"James, that was last years prank."

"Oh. Yeah. Right."

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"Evans will you go to Hogsmade with me?"

"No."

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September 5th year

"Did you see Evans just now? She got sooo hot over summer right? Like to give her a pull right Padfoot?"

Insert another knowing look between Remus and Sirius (Peter is still oblivious) here.

Hasty addition, "Not that she'd be any good being a geek and all. but still, wow right?"

"Yeah, right I guess she is kinda hot now, nice rack."

"But..." worried tone, "You wouldn't want to go out with her right, wouldn't bed her right?"

"Uh, maybe." Worried death glare. "I mean no, no definitely not."

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"Evans, go out with me?"

"I'd rather swim with the giant squid."

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September 6th year

"Reckon Evans will go out with me this year?" hand slides through hair "I mean there's no reason she wouldn't right?"

"Reckon Evans has grown testicles? I mean she only stated two-hundred and fifty reasons not to last year, I'm sure she's got plenty of good ones left."

"Two-hundred and forty-six actually Moony."

"You counted?"

"Um, no. Calculated guess."

"I reckon you've got the bigger chance mate."

"Cheers Padfoot."

"Actually I was talking to Remus about the testicles thing, but in fairness she has to run out eventually."

"I dunno, she's in the library often enough."

"It's true, and she could always use the 'I couldn't go out with you because for some peculiar reason I might be drugged into marrying you and then I wouldn't be able to have children because of your lack of testicles and that would disappoint me greatly.'"

"That was quite a good one, doesn't quite beat 'If I wanted pubic lice I'd go and visit Snape.'"

"Thanks guys, your real encouraging."

"And if her brains AND memories where completely dry we could return to the failsafe 'Up yours Potter'."

James sinks down into his seat a little further with an expression of misery on his face.

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"Lily will you go out with me?"

"Jump off the astronomy tower three times with no protection, no way to stop your fall and nobody to catch you. If you're still around after that I might consider you."

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September 7th year

"I am certain that this year is THE year."

"Yup Prongs, the year. Just like last year and the year before that, and the one before that AND the one before that."

"Be nice Padfoot, it's his last chance."

A rare squeak "I think you'll get her Prongs, how can she resist? And it's practically"

"Exactly. I've got it all set up."

"You mean YOU gave Dumbledore crack?"

"Yeah, why else would he make you head boy and not Remus? Scrap that, why would he make any of us head boy, especially you?"

"No idea, I'm not complaining."

"Yet, you're not complaining yet. James you're going to have one hell of a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, there mightn't be time for Lily.

"Bullshit, Evans will do the work and even if she didn't Prongs ALWAYS has time for Lily"

"Spoken like a true friend Padfoot. It's the perfect opportunity to show to her that I've matured, that I've changed."

"No offence Prongs, but I don't think Evans is going to want to shag you 'cause you've 'matured'"

"I don't want to shag her." Instant quiet in the compartment, all eyes directed at James. "Well I do, duh. But I don't want to only shag her."

"That's my boy Prongs, spoken like a true manwhore."

"NO. Merlin's saggy Y-fronts, I LOVE HER." Slow whistle.

"Prongs, your auctioning yourself off to love at 17? How shameful."

"Fuck off Sirius."

"But Prongs, your forgetting this one vital titbit. She. Hates. Your. Guts."

Thwack.

Thud.

Grunt.

"That hurt James."

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"Lily, you know I'm Head Boy?"

"Sadly by some obscure misdemeanor, yes."

"Well would you like to-"

"I will not go out with you Potter."

"Somebody's expectant. I wanted to know if you'd like to maintain a civil relationship with me, friends if you like."

" "

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**A/n story's gonna start next properly chapter, just setting the scene a wee bit.**

**Review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**HI! terribly sorry about the whole no update thing, things have been a bit tough recently for many reasons which I shall not go into and computers have been slightly scarce. So yeah, sorry.**

**No element of Harry Potter belongs to me, none of it, not even the word flobberworm or any spells I may ever use (though technically as most of them are Latin it shouldn't be possible to copyright them)**

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Lily was gobsmacked to say the least. Gaping like a fish she stared in shock at THE James Potter, who wanted to be friends. With her.

SLAP

"Shit Lily, what's your problem?" James asked, barely managing to keep the disdainful note in his voice and repeating Remus's list of essential traits for Lily-catching through his head _cool, witty, funny, mature,controlled, talented..._

"What's MY problem? What's your problem Potter? Do you think I'm some sort of flobberworm? I am NOT falling for your stupid shit and I am NOT going to go out with you. Ever."

_Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Lily can read minds Lily can read minds SHE KNOWS! No! Cool, witty, funny, mature..._

"Evans, please take the time to remove your delightful head of hair from your posterior and look around for a moment. I don't like you anymore, at least not in the hugs and kisses, let-me-take-you-to-Hogsmeade-or-the-ball-or-I-may-avada-kedavra-myself kind of way."

"Fuck off Potter."

"No you fuck off Evans" _I don't mean it Lily, I swear I don't mean it _"I don't know about you but I actually WANT to be a decent head and one of the criterias for being a decent head is maintaining a civil, possibly even friendly Merlin forbid, relationship with your fellow head. Thus the cause of my offer."

SLAP

"Don't you toy with my emotions Potter!" And with that a steaming Lily ran out of the heads corridor in a fit of fury and god forbid any poor bugger who got in her way.

_Well that went well_

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_Who the fucking fuck does he fucking well think he fucking is?_ A little known factor about miss Evans was her swearing ability, it wasn't particularly imaginative but why waste imagination when there are perfectly sensible curses available?

_DOUBTING my want to be a good head girl? I worked my fucking arse off since the fucking moment I knew the position was available unlike a certain POTTER. The fucking cheek of it. Tosser._

But Lily's curses for Potter were weak and she knew it, it wasn't as if over the summer she'd discovered an undying ardour for the big P, it was more that she had needed someone to take her feelings out on and Potter had long ago lost the privilege of being insulted in Lily's private space and time; and because he wasn't worth it on a regular basis her cusses had lost their reason and sharp edge.

She stopped running, finding herself in her regular spot for such times of emotional overload.

Lily had no particular reason to like the owlery, she didn't even have a reason to be in the owlery at all. She had no owl of her own and she didn't even particularly like the birds, she had no 'loved ones' or family to write to, or at least no family or loved ones who'd ever reply to any letters she felt the need to send them. It wasn't clean, quiet or comfy up there, quite the opposite; the whole olwery was made of stone, the sort that manages to be permanently damp with algae covering it. The floor and walls seemed to have managed to avoid the castles general cleaning over the summer, either that or the owls felt it needed a homely feel; either way everything larger than a finger nail (excluding students for the most part) was covered with owl shit, varying in colour from a greenish white to black. It should be obvious why the owlery was not a quiet thing, it being over 400 owls homes and everything.

On top of all this it was always freezing up there. Not the it's-a-bit-nippy-out sort of cold you get from putting the rubbish out, more the OMG I have frostbite on my big toe, a force 7 cold gale just swept through me and the testicle I never knew I had has turned into an ice cube. Quite cold.

But all these reasons never seemed to occur to Lily, she had her spot just behind the permanently open door where fresh owl shit was rarely found to call her own. She could sit there and zone out completely and try to forget. But this time forgetting wasn't really an option and sadly Lily knew it, she couldn't zone out from something that she knew was there but couldn't find and identify, she couldn't zone out from voices in her head. So she cried in the harsh cruel world of real people.

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"Jamsie's decided to rejoin the company of us non-red headed mere mortals?"

"I take it you forgot something I said Prongs, maybe you should accept your inevitable fate? She's a hard one to crack and you're ever so slightly unworthy."

"Hey look! It's Jam-Prongs! Hey Prongs! Hey, hello Prongs, how are ya Prongs? Prongs?"

Needless to explain the not particularly happy James had reentered the rowdy Gryffindor common room, not ready to face his friends jibes (or clueless greetings from Peter) but bored of moping by himself.

"So James, the two of you lovers yet?" asked Sirius slightly to eagerly for James' liking

"What do you think?" He replied in his best I'm miserable, pity me voice

"Well that's 5 galleons to me then Padfoot methinks" announced a chipper Remus.

"You guy's set up a bet? About my relationship with the love of my life?"

"No," replied Remus "I set up a bet about the lack of relationship with the love of your life. I also won said bet.

"And you're meant to be the nice, studious one of us? I'm disgusted. Actually I'm too depressed to be disgusted. Help me."

"You know I actually genuinely pity you. What did you do wrong?"

"He didn't shove her towards the bed straight away, duh. No girl can say no to sex. Not even Evans."

In unison "Sirius you're a pig"

"But I'm a happy pig" he grinned

"Did you follow my list?"

"To the tee."

"Ah."

"So what next Dr Agony?" asked James miserably "Or do I have to wait till next week?"

"Erm..."

Surprisingly enough, it was Peter who answered "Don't you have to make her jealous or something?"

"Yes. That's exactly what you do James. How'd you guess Pete?" rushed Remus

"I ..I read it in my book."

"Book?"

"Book?"

Remus and James shared a look of stupid amazement.

"Ah Wormy, you're secrets out now." Sirius grinned wickedly "Peter knows a bit about romance from his collection of Meg Cabot books under his bed."

"Ew."

"That's disgusting Pete"

"bu..but..They're not mine!"

"Whatever. Anyway find some other chick who's apparently genuine and not a slut (aka not one of Padfoot's choice) possibly from ravenclaw and date her. It is THE answer" smiled Remus, satisfied with his solution.

"Well if you say so..."

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**Yes I',m aware that it's not the best but it's more about Lily than James, the kinda thing that he's not her problem? Story is not centered about Peter's solution because that would be ever so slightly lame. I will eventually replace this with my original version which is unaccessible at the moment but for now I just wanted to get something up.**

**So review kiddies for a free sachet of coco pops!**


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